Relationships · 16 min read
How to Apologize to an Ex-Partner: When It's Appropriate, What to Say, and What to Avoid
Apologizing to an ex is one of the most emotionally complicated things you can do. Get it right and it brings genuine closure. Get it wrong and it reopens wounds for both of you. Here is how to tell the difference -- and exactly what to say either way.
It is three weeks past midnight and you are staring at their name in your phone. You have typed out an apology, deleted it, typed out another one, and deleted that too. The words keep changing because the motivation keeps changing. Sometimes you genuinely want to say you are sorry. Sometimes you just want them to text back.
This is the central challenge of apologizing to an ex. Unlike apologizing to a friend, a colleague, or a family member, an apology to a former romantic partner exists in an emotional minefield. There is history, there is hurt, and there is almost always at least one person who has not fully moved on. The apology itself becomes loaded with meanings it was never designed to carry.
In this guide, we will cover when apologizing to an ex is genuinely helpful versus actively harmful, the specific elements that make an ex-apology effective (and the ones that sabotage it), three complete sample letters you can adapt for your situation, a detailed comparison of delivery methods (text vs. email vs. handwritten letter), timing considerations that matter, and how to handle their response -- or lack thereof. If you are also exploring broader strategies for writing a forgiveness letter or working through the steps to rebuild a relationship after conflict, those guides complement this one.
When an Apology to an Ex Is Actually Helpful
Not every ended relationship needs an apology. But there are specific circumstances where a genuine, well-crafted apology can be a meaningful act -- for both of you. The key is understanding the difference between apologizing because you owe it to someone and apologizing because you want something from them.
You Behaved Poorly and Know It
This is the clearest case. You said things you should not have said. You acted in ways that were unfair, dishonest, or cruel. You know it, and they know it. In these situations, an apology is not about winning them back -- it is about acknowledging that you caused harm and taking ownership of it. That acknowledgment matters. It validates their experience and gives them something they may have been waiting for: confirmation that what happened was not all in their head.
The Breakup Left Things Unresolved
Some breakups happen in a fog of emotion. People scream, things get thrown, someone walks out, and there is never a clean ending. If the last interaction you had with your ex was a blowout argument where you said hurtful things in the heat of the moment, a later apology can serve as a correction to the record. It says, in effect: "The way I acted that day does not represent who I am, and you deserved better from me."
You Have Genuinely Changed
If the behavior that damaged the relationship is something you have actively worked on -- through therapy, self-reflection, or life experience -- sharing that growth can be a gift to your ex. It tells them that their pain was not meaningless, that the relationship taught you something, and that the next person you love will benefit from the lessons you learned through hurting them. That is not nothing.
They Reached Out First
If your ex has initiated contact and the conversation has been civil, it may be an appropriate moment to apologize for your role in the relationship's end. This is less risky than a cold apology because they have already signaled openness to communication. Keep it proportional -- acknowledge your mistakes without turning the conversation into a full relationship post-mortem unless they want that too.
You Need to Clear Your Conscience for Your Own Growth
There is a selfless version of "apologizing for yourself." If carrying the weight of how you treated someone is blocking your ability to be a better partner in the future, sending an honest apology can be a step toward your own growth. The key condition: you must be genuinely okay with never hearing back. If the apology serves your growth regardless of their response, it is honest. If it serves your growth only if they forgive you, it is transactional.
If you are trying to figure out whether reconnecting with an ex is a good idea beyond just apologizing, our article on how to reconnect after years of no contact covers the broader decision framework.
When an Apology to an Ex Is Actively Harmful
The same apology that can heal can also harm. Context, timing, and motivation determine which outcome you get. Here is when you should keep the apology to yourself.
Do Not Apologize to Get Them Back
This is the most common reason people apologize to their ex, and it is the most destructive. An apology that is secretly a reconciliation strategy is not an apology -- it is a negotiation tactic. The other person will sense the hidden agenda, and it will feel manipulative even if your words sound sincere. If you want them back, say that directly. Do not dress up a plea as an apology.
They Have Explicitly Asked for No Contact
If your ex has told you -- directly or through a third party -- that they do not want to hear from you, respect that boundary. An apology, no matter how heartfelt, is a form of contact. Delivering it against their stated wishes demonstrates that your need to apologize matters more than their need for space. That is the opposite of what an apology should communicate.
The Relationship Was Abusive
In relationships where there was emotional, physical, or financial abuse, any contact from the abuser can be destabilizing for the victim. Even a sincere apology can trigger anxiety, fear, or a regression in their healing process. If you were the abusive party, the most apologetic thing you can do is stay away. Write the apology for yourself, but do not send it.
They Are in a New Relationship
If your ex has moved on and is in a committed relationship, your apology -- even if well-intentioned -- can create complications in their current partnership. It can stir up old feelings, create doubt, or cause friction with their new partner. Ask yourself honestly: is my apology more important than the peace they have found? If the answer is unclear, do not send it.
You Are Still Emotionally Volatile
If you are still crying daily, still checking their social media obsessively, or still imagining scenarios where you get back together, you are not in a stable enough place to apologize. Your emotional state will leak into the message, and it will come across as needy, desperate, or manipulative -- even if that is not your intention. Wait until you can write the apology without your hands shaking.
You Are Apologizing for Their Behavior
Sometimes people apologize to an ex for things that were not their fault -- trying to keep the peace, avoid conflict, or take the blame so the other person can move on guilt-free. This is not an apology. It is self-abandonment. Apologize only for things you actually did wrong. Taking blame for things you did not do helps nobody and teaches you the wrong lesson about relationships.
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Get the Relationship Recovery KitThe Anatomy of a Good Ex-Apology
A good apology to an ex shares the same DNA as any effective apology: it names the wrongdoing, acknowledges the impact, and takes full responsibility. But it has additional constraints that make it uniquely challenging. Research by Dr. Aaron Lazare, author of On Apology, and Dr. Gary Chapman, co-author of The Five Languages of Apology, has identified the key components that make apologies feel genuine. Here is what your ex-apology needs.
Name the Specific Behavior
Vague apologies are worthless. "I am sorry for everything" is the apology equivalent of a participation trophy -- it sounds like something but commits to nothing. Name the specific thing you did wrong. "I am sorry for the way I spoke to you during our arguments." "I am sorry for hiding my financial situation from you." "I am sorry for not being emotionally present when you needed me." Specificity signals honesty.
Acknowledge the Impact on Them
This is where most apologies fail. They say what they did but not what it cost the other person. "I am sorry I lied to you" is a statement of fact. "I am sorry I lied to you, and I know it made you question your own judgment and feel like you could not trust your instincts" is an acknowledgment of impact. The second version is what makes someone feel truly heard.
No Excuses, No "But"
The moment you add a justification, the apology dies. "I am sorry I yelled, but you were pushing my buttons" is not an apology. It is a blame statement with a sorry sticker on it. If you feel the need to explain context, do it in a separate sentence -- and make sure it does not undermine the accountability. "I was stressed about work" is context. "I was stressed about work, so it was not entirely my fault" is an excuse. Know the difference.
No Expectation of Reconciliation
This is the critical element that separates an ex-apology from every other kind. Your apology must make it clear -- through words and framing -- that you are not using it as a bridge back to the relationship. If there is even a hint that this apology comes with an invitation to restart things, it will feel like pressure rather than accountability. Use language like: "I am not reaching out to restart anything between us. I simply wanted to say this because it is true and you deserved to hear it."
State What You Have Changed
An apology without change is a promise without a plan. Briefly mention what you have done or are doing to ensure you will not repeat the behavior. "I have been in therapy for six months and am learning to communicate without shutting down." "I realized that my pattern of avoidance was destroying relationships, and I am actively working on it with a counselor." This is not bragging -- it is showing that the apology is part of a real transformation, not just words.
Give Them an Easy Out
End your apology in a way that requires nothing from them. Make it clear that no response is expected, needed, or demanded. "You do not need to reply to this. I simply wanted to say it." This removes the social obligation that makes receiving an apology feel like a burden. It is one of the most respectful things you can do.
The No-Strings Test
Before you send any apology to an ex, ask yourself: "Would I still want to send this if I knew, with absolute certainty, that they would never respond?" If the answer is yes, your apology is clean. If the answer is no, you need to examine your motivation more carefully.
What to Avoid at All Costs
The emotional weight of a former relationship makes it easy to sabotage an apology without realizing it. These are the most common mistakes and why they backfire.
The "I Am Sorry You Felt That Way" Non-Apology
This is arguably the worst apology in the English language. It does not apologize for anything you did -- it apologizes for their emotional reaction. It translates to: "Your feelings are the problem, not my behavior." If you find yourself writing anything close to this, delete it and start over.
The Apology Sandwich
This is when you wrap a tiny apology between two layers of self-justification. "I know I said some harsh things, but I was really hurt by what you did first, and honestly I think we both know the relationship was not working anyway, so I am sorry if my words were too strong, but you need to understand where I was coming from." This is not an apology. It is an argument wearing an apology costume.
Bringing Up Their Mistakes
An apology is not the time for scorekeeping. If you are apologizing for your behavior, do not follow it with a catalog of their failures. That immediately transforms your apology into a counterattack, and the person reading it will feel ambushed. Keep the focus entirely on your own behavior.
Over-Apologizing
Some people apologize for everything -- the breakup, the relationship, existing, the weather. An apology that covers too much ground loses its power. Pick the one or two things you are most genuinely sorry for and apologize for those with specificity and sincerity. A focused apology carries more weight than a blanket one.
Using Their Love Language Against Them
If you know your ex responds to emotional language, do not weaponize that knowledge by writing an overly sentimental apology designed to trigger their emotions. An apology that reads like a love letter with a sorry bolted onto the front is manipulative. Keep the tone measured, honest, and grounded.
Apologizing Through Third Parties
Asking a mutual friend to "let them know you are sorry" is cowardly. If the apology is genuine enough to deliver, deliver it directly. If it is not, do not send it. Using intermediaries adds social pressure and puts the friend in an uncomfortable position. It also allows you to maintain plausible deniability about your true intentions, which defeats the purpose of being accountable.
Timing: When to Send the Apology
Timing can make the difference between an apology that heals and one that harms. Here is how to think about when to send it.
Too Soon: The Raw Wound Phase (0 to 4 Weeks)
In the first few weeks after a breakup, emotions are at their peak. An apology sent during this period is likely to be read through a lens of hurt, anger, or confusion. The person receiving it may not be able to process it accurately -- they might see manipulation where you intend honesty, or they might take it as a sign that you want to reconcile when you do not. Unless the apology is for something urgent and specific (e.g., you behaved terribly during the breakup conversation itself), wait.
The Cooling Period: 1 to 3 Months
This is often the sweet spot for an apology. Enough time has passed for the initial intensity to fade, but the events are still fresh enough that the apology feels relevant. Both of you have had some time to process the breakup independently. If you have used this time to reflect and grow, your apology will carry more weight because it is backed by actual perspective, not raw emotion.
The Delayed Apology: 6+ Months
A delayed apology can be incredibly powerful because it signals that your remorse has lasted. It was not a reflexive attempt to ease your guilt -- it was a considered decision that came after real reflection and change. However, a delayed apology also carries more risk of disrupting the other person's healing. Before sending one, honestly assess whether they have likely moved on and whether your apology would be welcome.
If you are considering reaching out after a long period of no contact, our article on no contact after a breakup and when to break it provides a detailed framework for that decision.
Special Circumstances
Some situations have their own timing logic. If you are apologizing for something they just learned about (e.g., they found out something you did during the relationship), apologize as soon as you learn that they know. Delaying in that context looks like you hoped they would never find out. If you are apologizing in the context of a mutual friend's event where you will both be present, do it beforehand so the event is not awkward.
How to Send It: Text vs. Email vs. Handwritten Letter
The medium you choose to deliver your apology is almost as important as the words themselves. The right medium signals sincerity, respect, and emotional maturity. The wrong one can undermine an otherwise excellent apology.
Handwritten Letter -- The Gold Standard
For any apology involving significant emotional weight, a handwritten letter mailed traditionally is the most sincere and respectful delivery method. It shows effort, intentionality, and emotional maturity that no digital format can match.
Pros:
- · Highest perceived sincerity and emotional weight
- · Gives your ex time to process privately, on their own timeline
- · No read receipts, no typing indicators, no pressure for immediate response
- · Physical artifact that can be kept or discarded at their discretion
- · Demonstrates genuine effort and thoughtfulness
Cons:
- · Requires their current mailing address (which you may not have)
- · Takes longer to deliver, which can create anxiety for you
- · May feel too formal or heavy for minor issues
Best for: Significant apologies involving serious breaches of trust, infidelity, major lies, or anything that fundamentally changed the relationship. If it was a big deal, write it by hand.
Email -- The Practical Middle Ground
Email strikes a balance between sincerity and practicality. It allows for a long-form, thoughtful message without the formality of a handwritten letter. It is a good choice when you no longer have a mailing address but still want to communicate with depth and care.
Pros:
- · Allows for long-form, thoughtful communication
- · Your ex can read and process it on their own schedule
- · Does not require knowing their physical address
- · You can take time to draft, revise, and edit before sending
Cons:
- · Can feel slightly less personal than a handwritten letter
- · Read receipts (if enabled) can create pressure
- · Risk of landing in spam or being overlooked
Best for: Moderate apologies -- emotional unavailability, communication failures, patterns of behavior you now recognize as harmful. When the issue is significant but does not warrant the formality of a handwritten letter.
Text Message -- Use Sparingly
Text messages are the least formal and least appropriate delivery method for serious apologies. They are brief, casual, and create an expectation of immediacy that does not suit the gravity of a genuine apology. However, there are limited situations where a text apology is appropriate.
Pros:
- · Immediate and direct
- · Low barrier -- feels less formal and intimidating for both parties
- · Appropriate for minor, specific issues
Cons:
- · Feels casual and potentially insincere for serious issues
- · Character limits discourage depth and nuance
- · Creates pressure for an immediate response
- · Easily misread due to lack of tone and context
Best for: Minor apologies -- a thoughtless comment, a missed goodbye, a small thing you realize in hindsight was insensitive. For anything more significant, use email or a handwritten letter.
In Person -- Proceed with Extreme Caution
Delivering an apology face to face can be powerful, but it carries significant risks. An in-person apology puts your ex on the spot, removes their ability to process privately, and can feel confrontational or ambushing even if you do not intend it that way.
Only apologize in person if: (1) you happen to cross paths naturally and the moment feels right, (2) you have already exchanged messages and both agreed to meet, or (3) you share practical responsibilities (children, shared housing) and an in-person conversation is part of your normal interaction.
Warning
Never show up unannounced at your ex's home, workplace, or social gathering to deliver an apology. This is not romantic -- it is intrusive and can be genuinely frightening. Always give the other person control over whether and how they engage with you.
Delivery Method Decision Guide
| Severity | Recommended Method | Example Issues |
|---|---|---|
| Minor | Text or brief email | Thoughtless comment, missed call |
| Moderate | Emotional withdrawal, broken promises, dishonesty about minor things | |
| Serious | Handwritten letter | Infidelity, major deception, repeated harmful patterns |
Template 1: Sincere Apology for Specific Behavior
Use this template when there is a specific thing you did wrong that you want to acknowledge. It is focused, accountable, and makes no demands.
Specific Behavior Apology
DirectDear [Name],
I have been thinking a lot about our relationship, and there is something I owe you. Not because I expect anything from you, but because it is the truth and you deserved to hear it while we were together.
I am sorry for [specific behavior -- e.g., the way I shut down during our arguments / the times I dismissed your concerns about my drinking / how I handled the situation with your family]. Looking back, I can see how much that hurt you, and I understand now that it made you feel [impact on them -- e.g., invisible, unimportant, like your feelings did not matter to me]. You did not deserve to feel that way, and I was wrong to treat you that way.
I want to be clear: I am not reaching out to get back together or to restart anything between us. I am reaching out because I realized that I never properly acknowledged this, and silence is its own kind of cruelty. You deserved better from me, and I am sorry.
Since we ended things, I have been working on [specific change -- e.g., understanding why I avoid conflict / getting help with my anxiety / learning to communicate instead of withdrawing]. It is not a quick fix, and I still have a lot to learn. But I wanted you to know that the experience of being with you taught me something about myself that I am actively working to change.
You do not need to respond to this. I just needed to say it.
I genuinely hope you are well.
[Your Name]
Template 2: General Apology After a Messy Breakup
Use this when the breakup itself was chaotic and you want to apologize for your role in the chaos, regardless of who was right about the relationship ending.
Post-Breakup Apology
ClosureDear [Name],
I know it has been a little while since the breakup, and I have given a lot of thought to how things ended between us. Regardless of who was right about the relationship itself, I know that I did not handle the ending well, and I want to apologize for my part in that.
I am sorry for [specifics -- e.g., the things I said in anger that I did not mean / the way I made the conversation about my pain instead of listening to yours / disappearing for a week instead of having an honest conversation]. The way we ended things was messy and painful, and while I cannot change that, I can acknowledge that I contributed to the mess and the pain. That was not fair to you.
I think about the good parts of our time together, too. [Brief positive memory -- e.g., I will always remember how you made me laugh on my worst days / the trip we took to the mountains / the way you supported me when I was going through a hard time at work]. Those moments were real and they mattered. I do not want the way things ended to be the only thing you remember.
I want to be upfront about something: this message is not an attempt to rekindle anything. I respect that our relationship is over, and I am not looking to change that. I simply believe that people who mattered to each other deserve a cleaner ending than the one we got, and I wanted to do my small part to provide that.
I hope life is treating you kindly. I truly mean that.
[Your Name]
Template 3: Delayed Apology (Months or Years Later)
Use this when significant time has passed and you have genuinely changed. The delayed apology requires extra care because it can be more disruptive to the other person's healing.
Delayed Apology Letter
DelayedDear [Name],
I know it has been a long time, and I wrestled with whether I should send this. Part of me thinks that enough time has passed that this might be unwelcome or unnecessary. But the other part of me knows that I never properly apologized for how I treated you, and that has been sitting with me in a way that I cannot ignore anymore.
I am sorry for [specific behavior]. When we were together, I did not fully understand the impact my behavior was having on you. It has taken time, distance, and [honest self-reflection / therapy / life experience] for me to see it clearly. What I did was [harmful / unfair / selfish], and you deserved so much better from someone who claimed to care about you.
I want to acknowledge that reaching out after all this time might not be welcome. I understand that. I am not asking for forgiveness, and I am certainly not asking to re-enter your life. I am simply delivering an apology that is overdue, because I believe that truth does not expire just because it is late.
If it is any comfort, you played a role in helping me become a better person -- not during our relationship, but in the aftermath of it. The things I learned about myself through the way I treated you have made me more self-aware and more careful with the people I love now. I wish I had learned those lessons sooner, and I wish I had learned them while I still had the chance to treat you better. But better late than never, I suppose.
Please do not feel any obligation to respond. I completely understand if you prefer to leave the past where it is. I just needed to get these words out of my head and into your hands.
Wishing you nothing but good things.
[Your Name]
If you need additional templates for other types of difficult communications, our free tools library includes a range of letter formats you can customize for different situations.
Handling Their Response -- or Lack Thereof
Once you send the apology, it is no longer yours. How the other person responds -- or does not respond -- is entirely their choice, and respecting that choice is the final test of whether your apology was genuine.
If They Accept Your Apology
They might say thank you, acknowledge your growth, or express that it meant something to them. Respond with gratitude and brevity. "Thank you for reading this. It means a lot that you responded." Then stop. Do not turn their acceptance into a conversation. Do not use it as an opening to catch up, ask about their life, or suggest meeting for coffee. Accept the grace they offered and step back.
If They Respond with Anger
They have every right to be angry. Your apology does not erase what happened, and receiving an apology can sometimes bring old hurt rushing back. If they respond with anger, do not defend yourself. Do not explain. Do not say, "I was just trying to apologize." Acknowledge their anger, validate it, and disengage. "I hear you, and I understand why you feel that way. I am sorry." That is all you owe and all you should give.
If They Respond with a Short, Neutral Acknowledgment
Something like "Thank you for the apology" or "I appreciate you reaching out" without elaboration. This is a measured response that acknowledges your effort without opening a deeper conversation. Accept it graciously and do not push for more. A neutral response is still a response, and it may mean your ex needs more time.
If They Do Not Respond
This is the most common outcome, and it is the hardest to sit with. Silence can mean many things: they do not know what to say, they are not ready to process it, they have moved on and do not want to engage, or they simply do not want to give you the satisfaction of a response. None of these meanings invalidate your apology. The critical rule: do not follow up. You said what you needed to say. The rest is not yours to control.
If They Want to Talk
Sometimes an apology opens a door you did not intend to open. If your ex wants to have a conversation about the relationship, the breakup, or anything else, you get to decide whether you are in a place to have that conversation honestly and calmly. If you are, great -- approach it with the same accountability and lack of agenda that your apology had. If you are not, it is perfectly acceptable to say, "I am glad my apology meant something, but I do not think I am in the right headspace for a deeper conversation right now."
What to Do After You Apologize
Sending the apology is a single moment. What you do with the hours and days that follow will determine whether the act was truly healing or just another form of emotional reaching back.
1. Put Your Phone Down
The urge to check for a response will be powerful. Resist it. Checking your phone every five minutes does not make a response come faster -- it just keeps you trapped in anticipation. If you need to, turn off notifications from that contact or even archive the conversation temporarily. Give yourself at least 48 hours of not actively waiting.
2. Write a Letter to Yourself
After you send the apology, write a separate letter to yourself. Acknowledge the courage it took to be accountable, the growth it represents, and the fact that you chose honesty over pride. This letter is for you alone. It is a record of who you are becoming, and it is something you can look back on when you need a reminder that you are capable of difficult, meaningful acts.
3. Resist the Interpretation Game
If they respond, you will be tempted to analyze every word. If they do not respond, you will be tempted to invent reasons why. Both are traps. Take the response -- or the silence -- at face value and move on. The meaning of your apology is in the act of sending it, not in the reaction it generates.
4. Channel the Energy Forward
The emotional energy that went into writing and sending the apology is real. Redirect it toward building the person you want to be. Whether that means continuing therapy, investing in your current relationships, pursuing a goal you have been avoiding, or simply being more intentional in how you treat people -- take the momentum from this moment and use it constructively.
If you are working through the aftermath of a breakup and need more structured support, our forgiveness letter guide can help you process your own side of the emotional equation. And if you are trying to rebuild any kind of relationship after conflict, our article on how to rebuild a friendship after a fight provides a detailed seven-step framework that applies to any relationship repair.
Final Thoughts
Apologizing to an ex is hard because it requires you to be honest about your failures without using that honesty as a tool for getting something back. It asks you to stand in the discomfort of having hurt someone you cared about and say, plainly and without deflection, that you were wrong. That is not weakness. That is one of the hardest forms of strength there is.
Not every ex deserves an apology. Not every apology should be sent. But when the timing is right, the motivation is clean, and the words are honest, an apology to an ex can be one of the most healing things either of you will experience. It closes a loop, validates a truth, and allows both people to carry forward something lighter than what they were carrying before.
Write it carefully. Send it honestly. Let it go completely. That is the whole process, and it is enough.
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Get the Relationship Recovery KitFrequently Asked Questions
Should you apologize to an ex even if they do not want to hear from you?
No. If your ex has clearly stated they do not want contact, respect that boundary. You can still write an apology letter for yourself and keep it private -- the act of writing can be therapeutic without delivery. Respecting someone's stated boundary is itself a form of showing growth and care.
What is the best way to deliver an apology to an ex -- text, email, or letter?
A handwritten letter is the most sincere and respectful option for significant apologies. Email works for moderate situations. Text messages are best reserved for minor, brief apologies only. Choose the medium based on the severity of what you are apologizing for and how your ex prefers to communicate. For more detail on this decision, see our delivery methods section above.
How long after a breakup should you wait before apologizing?
Wait at least 2 to 4 weeks after a breakup to allow both parties emotional distance. For serious matters like infidelity or betrayal, waiting 1 to 3 months is better. The goal is for both people to have enough clarity to process the apology without raw emotional reactivity. If you are unsure about timing, err on the side of waiting longer rather than reaching out too soon.
Should an apology to an ex include saying you want them back?
Generally no. An apology should be about taking responsibility for your actions, not about trying to get back together. Mixing the two makes the apology feel manipulative and self-serving. If reconciliation is a hope, address it only after a sincere apology has been delivered and received separately -- and only if the other party has signaled openness to further communication.
What should you do if your ex does not accept your apology?
Accept their response with grace. You cannot control how someone receives your apology. The sincerity and completeness of your apology is what matters -- not their reaction. Do not push, argue, or demand forgiveness. You have done your part; the rest is their choice. If you are struggling with the emotional aftermath of a relationship ending, our guide on how to write a forgiveness letter may help you process your own feelings.
How long should an apology letter to an ex be?
A good apology should be long enough to be specific and sincere but short enough to respect the other person's time and emotional energy. Generally, one to two pages is appropriate -- roughly 300 to 600 words. Focus on three key elements: what you did wrong, why it was wrong, and what you have learned or changed since then.